Two days after my 21st birthday. 
Our first date. 

I couldn’t decide whether or not what I was wearing was appropriate. I didn’t know where we were headed, what we were doing, & what I should be looking forward to. The only thought running through my head was.. I’m finally happy. 

You had planned a delicious seafood dinner; seated overlooking a port of beautiful boats & an ocean view I could never forget, set in dim lights & with you seated right next to me in your cute black & white plaid button up. You carefully placed your glass of water out of way of your hands so as not to knock it over during the date. I could tell you were nervous, so was I. Unexpectedly, conversation flowed & chemistry was without a doubt, present. You hardly had the courage to look me straight in the eyes, always laughed & shook your head modestly whenever I looked into yours. You wore a smile that even God couldn’t have erased from your face. And I realized, you were just as happy as I was. You silenced your phone to focus on me & I could never have respected you so much in that moment. 

Before I knew it, quality time had no definition to you, convenience became your number one reason for having me, dates became plans missed & unmanaged, phrases like “next time” couldn’t have been repeated every so often; text messages & phone calls became your center of attention & I couldn’t have been more disappointed in my life. I was no longer important. I just want to forget.

However, “The more I try to forget, the more I remember. All the bad things you did, all the bad things I allowed to happen, and all the bad things you made me feel. It was so, so bad.

But most of all, I remember how unfortunately amazing it was.”

I’ll admit, we had it good. Despite our differences, we were happy. We shared those differences, took it for what they are & enjoyed the new experiences.. together. You were something else & I miss it. I miss you. The old you, head over heels. 

It really was the best first date I’ve ever had and I wish I could just forget. I wish I never met you. I wish you just listened to me. I’m not the girl you should pursue. I told you I wasn’t ready & you didn’t take no for an answer. I didn’t want a relationship & wasn’t anything close to ready for the commitment. However, you managed to work so hard to make me believe in you & in us; that as long as we have each other we can make it. I tore my walls down for you & it took months for me to do so. I hate you for hurting me but loved you for making me believe in something. Too bad it wasn’t real. Fuck, I can’t forget.

“I miss all the wonderful things that kept me desperately holding on.”

Maybe that’s why I stand firm by my emotions. I know better. 
I learned.
How unfortunate for you, I loved you with all of me, stood by you & supported your every decision. I was your knight & shining armor in female form. Everyone envied you.